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| Ross Gets Turned On: Millions of shocked civilians experienced horrifying scenes like this one Wednesday morning |
October 31 - Panic erupted across the continent like a geyser of seething molten magma this
morning, throwing Europe into a state of unbridled chaos.
The day started out like any other, millions of unsuspecting innocents going about their daily routine.
No one could have known the terror that would arise, crawling out of the depths of humanity's deepest
fear, and taking the form of Ross McCart's face.
"It was too horrible to imagine," stated one woman, 34, between painful spasms brought on by the morning's
trauma, "No one should have to go through something like that. My God... that face..."
The woman, wracked with sobs, proceeded to vomit a full English breakfast over the reporter's
shoes, a common ViRoss symptom (catalysed by English breakfasts and reporters).
Another victim, eyes glazed with fear and inner turmoil, added that he thought he had looked
into "the face of Satan himself."
Jon Barratt, chief medical examiner and legal representative for the Welford Roadkill X-Ball
Club, insists that the infection, while harmful in appearance alone, is ultimately benign.
"Obviously one would expect to feel nauseous after breaking out in a rash of pus-filled Rossatrons, but it should
be stated for the record that no one as of yet has actually broken out in a rash of pus-filled
Rossatrons."
"But," he added, "if someone could engineer such a strain - a 'Rossagen', if you will - why, that person
could... could... RULE THE WORLD." His hand slowly clenched into a fist as a small smile touched the
corners of his lips, ending the interview with a flourish of his cape.
The Rossatron is currently in custody as the obvious culprit for his involvement in the
release of the ViRoss. Beav and Muncus have been cleared of all charges.
For a firsthand look at the devistation caused by the ViRoss,
Download the VIROSS ATTACK! simulator (2.1Mb).
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| The Rossatron says: Fire is not a toy! |
As we all know, Guy Fawkes Day can be a swell time. But, if you're not careful, even the most
carefully planned firework stunt can turn a swell time into a somebody-find-Sarah's-eye time. The
Rossatron (as a public service resulting from the legal debacle above) would like to make sure
your Guy Fawkes Day doesn't blow up in your face:
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When lighting fireworks, always make sure spectators are a suitable distance away. If 25 metres
of space is not available, at least stand on the opposite end of the back garden.
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When holding fireworks in your hand, always ensure that the rocket is pointed away from you.
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Make certain the refrigerator door is firmly closed before detonating a firework inside of it.
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It's important that any space egg-splorers are wearing appropriate PPE before launch, such as a pointy plastic hat.
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A beer can over a firework can cause exploding metal shards, which are sharp. In the war,
they called this shrapnel. Ask your grandad about it!
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Though it might be tempting, launching a firework with a Twix bar taped to it is quite simply a waste of a Twix.
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When taping two fireworks together, remember to also twist the fuses together, else one firework may take off while
the other ends up putting scorch marks on the rear of the lesbian neighbours' shed.
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Always make sure the banana peel is completely banana-free before placing it over
the top of a lit firework.
Remember kids: Fireworks can be fun, but they can also be very dangerous. It is good
practice to have at least three health and safety professionals nearby while
setting off fireworks, as well as an ample supply of beer. Have a Roadkillerful
Guy Fawkes Day, from the Rossatron! And remember, don't do drugs.
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Beimers and Sweeney are no longer on speaking terms since The Airman declined an
invitation to the Beavtacular Halloween Bash last Saturday, sources report. Same sources report
that the other party wasn't very good.
 
Police are still searching the Seven Sisters tube station after an alleged drug addict
approached James Cooper. "The knife was actually in my rucksack," stated
Cooper, "but in the tube, rucksacks are scary enough."
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| Alexandra Davis |
Yes |
| Christine Sweeney |
No |
| Deb Hulbert |
No |
| James Cooper |
Yes |
| Jamie Knox |
Yes |
| Julie Green |
No |
| Kevin Beimers |
Patient Zero |
| Nigel Underwood |
No |
| Ross McCart |
Yes |
| Sarah Tedder |
No |
| Scott McNicol |
No |
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 If anybody would like a kiss from Alexandra Davis, better get in line, because she's busy kissing her 22nd year goodbye!
Age: 23
Birthdate: All Saints Day
Which means: She's a saint!
Key Positions: Centre, WA
Fav Movie: Top Gun
Fav Actor: Tom Cruise
Fav Band: Bootleg Beatles
In her car right now: Whitney Houston
Fav Drink: Aftershock, Wine
Weakness: Mortgage Moments
Pet Peeve: Receiving flowers at the office
Celebrity sighting! Alexandra will be at Terracotta's this evening, signing autographs between trips to the buffet!
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Get Alexandra Davis Wallpap- OH GOD NO! THE VIROSS! IT'S EATEN HER WALLPAPER!
Hurry up and download
VIROSS ATTACK (2.1Mb)
before it's too late. |
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