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| C is for Cookin': Heated hijinks between hit-singing hedonistic howler and this hoop-shooting harpy REVEALED (pg 2) |
September 4 - As if the Airman couldn't fly any lower, the escapades of the now
infamous Welford Roadkill head coach plunges the crisis-hit X-Ball outfit further into
controversy.
Random Joe frontman, "Naughty" Nigel Underwood, well known for his flagrant womanising and
notorious reputation, reveals sordid saucy secrets about his and Airman's frequent
"fitness training sessions". Speaking exclusively to the KillZone, the randy rocker reveals
all about their intimate athletics, off-court endeavours, and how the Airman gets her on-court
energy...
KillZone: First of all, how did you and the Airman become an item? Where did you meet?
Nigel Underwood: She came to one of my concerts - a very small venue, VIP only - and our
eyes locked halfway through that song we do that keeps changing tempo and rhythm. I was so stunned
by her tomboyish good looks that I forgot the words to my song and just started screaming jibberish
into the microphone. Strangely, no one noticed.
KZ: So what happened next?
NU: Well, let me put it this way: there's nothing sexier than a woman in a hardcore rocker
bar wearing an off-white work blouse pounding back orange juice in one of those tall bar glasses.
Unless it's a woman who can reach the ice at the bottom of the glass with her tongue. Still looking
for the tongue girl; Airman was just using the straw.
KZ: So it was love at first site then?
NU: Well, sort of. She was trying to play shy, but, like most women, in the end she couldn't keep
herself away from The Joe. She threw her bra on stage, then her shirt, both her shoes, then wrote
TAKE ME HOME across her belly with a packet of Brown Sauce. I finished the set early. I love
Brown Sauce.
KZ: Ooo, sounds like we're getting to the good part.
NU: I'll say. We left the concert and went back to her mother's hair salon, where
things really started to hot up. Tied me to a barber's chair, left the room, came back
wearing nothing but a Wing Attack bib. And man, did she attack! I mean, I've been with
a lot of women before, sometimes many at the same time, and even a few men, but WOW.
Unbelievable. Never been with a pro athlete before, especially an X-Baller.
KZ: Can you divulge any details? Anything you can tell out readers, especially the
young, male, hormonally-charged ones?
NU: Well, let's put it this way: On the court she may play by the X-Ball Handbook, but behind
closed doors, she's a lot closer to a basketball player.
KZ: How do you mean?
NU: Let's just say she plays in all my zones, runs with the ball, and frequently delights
herself in a showboating slam dunk. Plus, she dribbles.
KZ: Weird.
NU: You think that's weird? She makes me keep one foot planted on the floor the entire
time. Plus, she insists that in the throes of passion I scream out "Airman, I'm open!"
KZ: What's your take on the rumours that she and The Rossatron had something going for a while?
NU: Ha ha ha (laughs nervously). Doesn't bother me.
KZ: What about the rumours that The Rossatron has been with everyone on the Roadkill squad,
including the coach and the umpire?
NU: Ha ha ha (laughs slightly more nervously). Wait, Sweeney's both the coach AND the
umpire. Does that mean they've been together three times?
KZ: ...and the rumours that The Rossatron's "equipment" exceeds standard X-Ball regulations?
Like, I've heard that when The Rossatron pivots, his feet don't touch the ground, if you catch
my drift?
NU: Ha ha ha (nervously, this time beading with sweat). Um, I thought this interview was
about me?
KZ: Where is the Airman right now, Nige?
NU: Oh, she's, um, I'm pretty sure she said she was at practice... with... Ross... look,
I need to make a phone call. Sorry, can we continue this some other time?
KZ: Is there any chance you could introduce me to The Rossatron?
NU: Aw hell, this interview is over.
This story and more available in Nigel's bestselling book, I've Never Done THAT Before - A Series
of Conquests, available from Onophile Publishing House, Leicester, UK.
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| Alexandra Davis |
Barney |
| Christine Sweeney |
Nigel |
| Deb Hulbert |
Paul |
| James Cooper |
Himself |
| Jamie Knox |
Chip Cobs |
| Julie Green |
Consensus |
| Kevin Beimers |
Aimee |
| Nigel Underwood |
Sweeney |
| Ross McCart |
His Job |
| Sarah Tedder |
Sting |
| Scott McNicol |
Tennant |
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 Aside from looks, smarts, ambition, a birthday, and a totally hot boyfriend in a number 1 band, Christine Sweeney doesn't have much going for her.
Age: 21
Birthdate: Today
Nickname: Airman
Key Position: Centre
Fav Drink: Orange Juice
Fav Movie: Fellowship of the Ring
Fav Band: The Beegees
Who? Oops, I mean Random Joe
Strength: Can actually play Xball
Weakness: Brad Pitt (not in Troy)
Most important thing she learned in her last job: Shift-Delete
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